Avatar

First off let me apologize for no alliteration on the title, it gets hard.

So, I've finally seen Avatar and here is my review.

*********SPOILER ALERT*********SPOILER ALERT*********

First off, I will start by saying I didn't want to see the movie because I had low expectations. All it had going for it in the reviews I read was the effects and the plot seemed rather flimsy.

I have been wrong on many movies and have watched some that I thought would suck and they turned out pretty good. This was NOT one of them. I found it was even worse than my expectations. However, I was wrong on my complaint about a Marine turning against his comrades. Mainly, he wasn't a Marine, he was just a Soldier of Fortune. Private security. Granted I did not finish the movie, I couldn't stand more then about 30 minutes worth.

First, the premise. Humans are on a planet they cannot breathe on and are mining a mineral called "Unobtainium." Really? Unobtainium? How do you obtain Unobtainium and, most importantly, how do you even find it on a jungle world you cannot even breath on and that has creatures you need an armoured battle suit to defend against? Do they just drop companies off on random worlds and say "See if you can find something unobtainable that's worth a s**tload of money?" Come On! Can't they find this stuff on OTHER bodies in the same system that is, after all, composed of the same stuff the planet is?

Next comes the bone structure of the aliens. Their bones are made of "A naturally occurring carbon fiber." How is that done. Okay, I can concede that anything man can make, nature can make, after all, we can make diamonds. Do these aliens, though, drive naturally occurring '57 Chevies? Actually, since they are environmentally aware, it would probably be naturally occurring Toyota Priuses Where does the body get other naturally occurring carbon fiber to grow, from the fruits? That would make the fruits, not only deadly to eat for humans, but also pretty hard, I would think. I know that nothing growing on that world could sustain humans.

Let's talk about the great tacticians that are waging this war of hostile corporate takeover. They have a Colonel who was a veteran and the first day there he loses half his face. So what does he do? He sends out an Avatar with NO knowledge of the flora and fauna and a MG36 that is absolutely and completely USELESS. It couldn't hurt on of the native flies, yet the Na'vi (which is f**ked around "native") can kill these thing with bows made of wood, not bone. I mean, would bone be better in this case? They must have wanted the scientist's avatar dead (which was possibly the case, like I said, I didn't finish the movie).

How about this "Unobtainium." What is it. More importantly, what is it used for, beside 10 million dollars a kilo, which works out to $279,876 an ounce, which would be the approximate value of a rock of crack in their time. I mean, they didn't say what good the stuff is. Is it harder than tempered titanium? Can it be spun super thin for space elevators? Can it cure the common cold? What can it possibly be worth, to force an audience to sit through this?

The FX, I must admit, were very good. I wouldn't say "great" because I didn't see it in HD and what I did see, for the most part, was no better than some other things we've see, like a special on the tropical rain forests. If the real people were computer generated (something I suspect) then yes, that was fantastic. But it, to me, wasn't worth paying $15 to see. That's why I waited until it came out on Netflix. They spent millions of dollars creating their own little world to great detail, kudos there.

Then there is the Avatar. This guy, who helped design the avatars, trained to use it over Lord-knows-how-many years and studies Na'vi culture, language, biology add nausea, dies and is replaced by his brother who is a Marine that apparently has no where near the same intelligence or training. This guy, who has been paralyzed for at least 5 years, is then linked into an alien body and can instantly control every aspect. He also, without training, knows exactly what to wrap around his spear to simulate pitch and create a torch. Then what happens? He meets a Na'vi babe (who most likely ends up being his snuggle cuddle) and before she kills him, the great tree seed stops her. Let me guess, it tells her he's "the prophesied one."

My lovely and wonderful wife wants me to add in the character concepts. Sigourney Weaver is still playing the same role she played in Alien (and just about everything else) The Colonel is a cookie cutter stereotypical bad ass with no ther personality other than "kill it before it even looks in your direction so it doesn't kill you," the character we're supposed to care about is dead before the show even starts, and the main character is the typical brooding-over-the-death-of-my-brother-and-what-life-has-done-to-me character.

So, thee you have it, my review. My son says he'll punch me if this is a bad review, so I get punched. It could have been worse, my wife could have made me sit through the entire movie. Fortunately, she agrees with me on the movie. Y'all be good now, y'hear?

Charles

Gott spielt verful nicht mit dem Universum