Crazy Crickets Crawl Creepily

OK, check it. I know I'm a grown man and should just suck it up, but I hate crickets. In my home, I kill or release all the bugs necessary into the wild, except crickets. I don't like them. I don't like looking at them, thinking about them, or eating them when they're covered in chocolate (yes, even in chocolate), I DON'T LIKE CRICKETS.

It started when I was young and staying at my sisters. My brother Ken and I were in a bedroom that was converted from a garage and there was a 1 inch gap between the floor and the door. Then one night, as we're getting ready for bed, thousands of crickets came pouring through the crack. It was like a horror movie come to life. The crickets were swarming and we were right in their way.

Yes, that is the nature of crickets and they are, relatively, harmless. Crickets are said to bring good luck and their chirping, to most people, is soothing. I don't mind the chirping, except when I'm trying to get to sleep and there are so many it sounds like the are hooked up to a 5 GW amp and pumped straight into my brain, HHREEK HHREEK HREEK. Other than that, when they are outside in their natural element, fine.

But let's face it, crickets in the house are just creepy. They crawl through the drain and pop up in your tub, sink and even toilet (I swear). And they jump, I mean they JUMP. You never know when a cricket is going to lift his massively mutant legs, press them against the floor and jump straight into your mouth. I know that when I die, it's going to be because a mutant Kentucky cricket (and those in Kentucky are mutant, more of this later) is going to jump into my mouth while I'm asleep and strangle me.

Even my cats don't like crickets. At first, the youngest one played with them. It was funny (and comforting knowing the little bug was gonna die) watching her chase, catch, lose, chase rinse and repeat the cricket, but today, there was a cricket in the tub, I put her there and another cricket assaulted her. She ran. I mean, this 7 pound pile of fluffy feline jumped and ran from a 1 oz. cricket. SEE!?! Even she knew that crickets are creepy. AND they were waiting in ambush.

Now, there are lots of types of crickets. There are the cute little things you see on TV that they have in California (it was California crickets when I was young, see above) but there you only see them like, one at at time because they're too creepy in a group. Then there's the eastern cricket (lighter color and overall smaller).

Then there's the Mutant Kentucky Cricket. These things are just freaky. Not only are they smart, they hide and wait until your poor cat or dog goes wandering by and then they attack him like some inner city street gang ("OK, here come da cat, you and legs jump from the left and me and legs [all crickets are known as Legs] gonna jump from the right") but they figure out how to get into your house/apartment when you have bug protection up. They also know just where to be to hit you with the ultimate psychological effect, maybe they're on the ceiling for when you yawn, etc. I think they learn this from cockroaches. They are also built differently from other chrickets. They have these HUGOGIANTAMOUNGOUS rear legs so they can jump across the holler. They probably developed this as a form of selective breeding by the Hatfields to get the McCoys in their sleep (see above) or something.

Also, crickets walk weird. They have this walk that's like left front foot, right front foot, left middle foot, right middle foot kick kick. What are they, in a dance routine? I mean, couldn't God have thought of a better way for them to get around?

In conclusion, I may have made some allusions to this, but I don't like crickets. I'm moving to Arizona, where the worst I have to deal with is scorpions in my shoes.

Ta

Charles

Gott spielt nicht verful mit dem Universum. A.E.